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Strong Father Presence:
Eighteen Messages for Children
Michael
Obsatz, Ph.D.
Associate professor (retired), Sociology, Macalester College, St. Paul,
Minnesota
reviewed
2001
University
of Minnesota Children, Youth and Family Consortium. Permission is granted
to create and distribute copies of this document for noncommercial purposes
provided that the author and CYFC receive acknowledgment and this notice
is included.
Robert
Bly has said that one of the greatest problems in American society is
the absence of strong fathers. This is true for millions of children
whose fathers are either physically, emotionally, or spiritually absent.
Love and guidance from a Dad, while no more valuable than the same from
a Mom., is different- Strong, loving, nurturing mate role models teach
sons what it means to be a man, and teach daughters what they have a
right to expect from boys and men. A strong father presence provides:
- Validation
for being for a child. I love you for who you are.
- Clear
limits and boundaries about acceptable behavior. You are doing well.
I applaud your behavior and performance.
- Coping
mechanisms for dealing with disappointment, loss, change and failure.
You can cope with loss. You can cry and hurt. You will get over this.
- Empathy
skills--how to treat and care for others. How one's behavior affects
others. Think about how others feel about what you say or do before
you act or speak.
- Skills
for dealing with authority. Treat authorities with respect, but challenge
them if they seem destructive or abusive.
- An
appreciation of the work ethic. Work hard. Do your best. It will pay
off in the end.
- Logical
and rational problem-solving techniques. You can solve problems using
your mind. You can find creative solutions to difficult situations.
- Healthy
ideas about sexuality and spirituality. Your sexuality is a spiritual
gift. Use it to bring more love into the world rather than just to
satisfy physical needs.
- Skills
for dealing with anger and other emotions. You have a right to be
angry, but don't hurt others with your anger. You have a right to
feel all of your feelings --- joy, sadness, hurt, love, fear.
- Permission
to be vulnerable and ask for help. You can't do everything by yourself.
Everyone needs support and help.
- Skills
for balancing work, play and rest. You can work hard, but you also
need to play and relax.
- Skills
for successful leadership. Stand tall. You have, ideas and skills
which you can share with others.
- How
to combine humility with good self-esteem. Be proud of what you are,
and what you do--but also acknowledge your limits and imperfection.
- Assertiveness
skills, and not aggressiveness. Stand up for yourself. Ask for what
you need- Do not trample over others.
- Skills
for self-care. It is important that you take care of your body, your
appearance and your soul.
- Awareness
about treating both genders with respect. Boys and girls, and men
and women deserve your kindness, consideration and respect.
- Information
about ways to meet sexual needs without hurting or using others. Never
impose your sexuality on anyone in a forceful or aggressive manner.
- Awareness
of your right to fair and respectful treatment by others. You deserve
to be treated well by others.
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