Ten Commandments
of Co-Parenting
Former spouses place respect for child as top priority
Lynn
Nelson, Public Education Director, Institute on Race and Poverty, University
of Minnesota
published in Minnesota Parent, May 1995
University
of Minnesota Children Youth and Family Consortium. Permission is granted
to create and distribute copies of this document for noncommercial purposes
provided that the author and CYFC receive acknowledgment and this notice
is included.
With
more than half of all marriages ending in divorce, it's surprising that
there are so few models for parenting children when a couple no longer
shares a marriage or a household.
Only
a scant two articles turned up in an extensive search for stories and
publications on the topic of co-parenting and the library shelves are
almost bare.
My
former husband Paul and I have been exploring the concept of co-parenting
for four years. Ever since our family therapist assured us that our
son would emerge from our divorce relatively unscathed as soon as we
were able to "get along," we've thrown ourselves into working
on positive relations. It's been somewhat of an adventure learning how
to cooperate with someone with whom we've shared not only love and commitment,
but anger and disappointment as well. Most challenging of all has been
building the level of trust necessary to share a child when a knotty
divorce has all but destroyed every shred of trust we ever had in each
other.
Given
the emotions inherent in the divorce process, getting to a place of
committed co-parenting hasn't been easy. We give each other a lot of
credit for swallowing hurtful comments before they're blurted out in
front of each other or our son. We acknowledge each other for not holding
grudges which we know can do immeasurable damage.
Lastly,
weÃve had to be more "mature" than any other life situation
has ever demanded. We've been civil, sometimes downright collegial,
at our son's sporting events; we've been gracious and kind to each other's
dates and significant others; and we've suppressed the urge to argue
about how much money and time the other is spending on or with our child.
The
litany of interpersonal challenges is enough to make one wonder why
a divorced couple would ever want to consider the concept of committed
co-parenting. Beyond the research showing that children of cooperative
divorced parents have higher levels of self-esteem and are, in general,
happier and less constrained than children whose parents either don't
get along or battle at every opportunity, there are lots of selfmotivated
reasons to become a committed co-parent.
First,
it's far less stressful. We don't get anxious every time we see each
other. Secondly, it facilitates cooperation. If one of us needs back-up
child care, the other is generally willing to jump in. Most of all,
we don't suffer the shame we used to experience when we fought or treated
each other disrespectfully. We feel better about ourselves and set a
good example for our son when we treat each other with respect.
Our
son's teacher says we should write a book on coparenting. I'm sure she's
seen more than her share of unhappy situations, unhappy for the children,
certainly, but unhappy for the parents as well. In lieu of the book,
Paul and I have collaborated on what we call the "10 Commandments
of Co-Patenting." We wrote them separately but, not surprisingly,
found several commandments in common:
- Resolve
conflicts without putting kids in the middle. This requires being
objective about your children's needs (and not confusing them with
your own) and compromising when the situation warrants. Stick with
a conflict until it's resolved; don't let a problem fester and then
punish the other parent passive-aggressively or be difficult in unrelated
situations.
- Treat
the other parent with respect. This goes a long way toward easing
your relations with your former partner. It also provides a good model
for your children; more than we are willing to admit, our children
imitate our behavior. Disrespect toward the other parent will be played
out by the child. It's important for a child's healthy development
to have respect for authority figures, including both parents.
- Observe
appropriate boundaries. When it comes to your kids, it's sometimes
difficult to tell yourself what they're doing with the other parent
"is none of my business." But if an activity won't harm
them physically or psychologically, it probably is none of your business.
Recognize it's okay, maybe even good, for children to learn different
ways of doing things. It's almost certain that the other parent won't
do everything your way.
- Communicate
regularly with the other parent. There's lots to share. When children
are small, the other parent needs to know the basics when parenting
responsibilities are being transferred. Has the child eaten? Gone
to the bathroom recently? Does he or she need more sleep or a bath?
When children are older, both parents need to know about school activities,
sports events and trips out of town. It's good to get into a regular
habit of checking in with each other on the days when parenting is
shared. A worst-possible scenario is that lack of communication could
lead to a child not being picked up after school or day care, or important
medical treatment being disrupted.
- Demonstrate
positive conflict resolution. Don't try to hide conflicts when they
arise. Children generally know more about what's going on than we
give them credit for. Use conflict as an opportunity to show kids
how to resolve issues in a responsible manner. Paul puts it this way:
"Don't step into the ring without taking time to cool off."
- Share
with your co-parent what you need from him or her to do a good job
of parenting. In our case, a regular schedule is important to Paul.
He likes to know he has time he can count on with his son, Frequent
schedule changes are disruptions he finds particularly irritating,
especially when it involves "telephone tag." I like to know
I can depend on Paul to pick up Nick when he says he will. Everyone
has different requirements for support. Be sure to be clear with the
other parent about yours, and take time to inquire about his or hers.
In our experience, guessing hasn't been very productive.
- Don't
allow all of the parenting tasks to fall to one parent Typically,
things that are out of balance don't work well. Work at sharing parenting
chores as equally as possible. Don't hoard tasks and act like a martyr,
and don't expect the other parent to be in charge of all of the communicating,
all of the extra purchases for your child or all of the discipline.
- Be
consistent - to the extent possible - in disciplining, feeding and
caring for your child. This makes transitions from one household to
another easier, thus minimizing the outbursts from children after
visits with the other parent. Respect each other's parenting approaches,
and recognize that while consistency is optimal, differencesare okay.
Children are able to distinguish that something that's okay at Dad's
house may not be okay at Morn's, not because one parent is bad or
wrong, but because the two parents are different.
- Help
your children recognize the other parent with appropriate gifts or
cards. These express your children's sentiments and make them feel
good about themselves when they're praised for their thoughtfulness.
Take the time to help your children make or pick out holiday and birthday
gifts for the other parent. Recognizing Mother's and Father's Day
are particularly important because other relatives aren't involved
in celebrating these days.
- Don't
punish your in-laws by keeping your kids from them after a divorce.
Your in-laws are probably as disappointed as you and your former partner
about the dissolution of your relationship. Grandparents can be a
child's greatest cheerleaders; don't hurt your children and yourself
by cutting off visits with them. In many cases, grandparents also
provide back-up child care; this-isn't something any single parent
should give up willingly.
There
are many other elements that contribute to successful co-parenting.
We recognize that some suggestions won't work for people who've been
in abusive relationships or who need time to heal from the hurt of divorce
before enthusiastically collaboratng with the other parent.
These
"commandments" work for us. We hope you can find at least
10 of your own guiding principles to make life easier for you, your
former spouse and your children.
Lynn
Ingrid Nelson and Paul Blanco are the committed co-parents of 7-year-old
son, Nicholas.
