Children, Youth and Family Consortium

Helping Persons Cope With Change, Crisis, and Loss

Ronald L. Pitzer

Family Life Specialist

It's natural to feel more or less inadequate when someone-perhaps a friend or relative-tells you their troubles. Actually, you often can be of real assistance perhaps far more than you think. Non-professionals (neighbors, friends, or relatives) who show warmth and common sense can be a wonderful help in many instances.

Following are some suggestions for helping persons close to you when they are temporarily upset or disoriented following a change, crisis, or loss in their lives.

Show By Words and Actions That You Care

Small, kind deeds and the expression of sincere feelings of affection, admiration, or concern for a troubled person mean a lot. Our society has been accused of a "taboo on tenderness." Simple, open affection and honest compliments embarrass some of us. It is well to remember, however, that a friendly arm around troubled shoulders, a few words of support and encouragement, or an opportunity for a long talk can help a lot. Let the person experience your warmth, concern, and availability.

Help the Person to Accept Help

One way people avoid facing a crisis is to deny they need help. Studies show that people who have difficulty working through a crisis or loss are inclined to brush off offers of assistance and persist in the fantasy that everything is all right. The person who acknowledges that he or she is in trouble, actively looks for help, and gratefully accepts it is on the way to a healthy solution of the crisis.

Help With Everyday Tasks

The notion that a person in trouble needs to be soothed and reassured is a misleading one. But the intuitive feeling that a person in trouble needs assistance with the small every day tasks is right and sound. Examples are the neighbor who cooks dinner for a friend with an ill child, the husband or friend who puts the children to bed and does the dishes when a woman is mourning her father's death, the person who quietly assumes an extra amount of work when a co-worker is having trouble at home and the friend who takes care of a baby for an afternoon or evening. All are recognizing that a crisis disorganizes and disorients the energies that persons in trouble have for ordinary things because so much energy, if they are to survive the crisis, must go into recognition of the pain, grief, or trouble. Especially if we can give this help unassumingly-not with the suggestion that the person we are helping is so weak or incompetent as to require it such simple kindness and thoughtfulness can be a real support.

Help the Person Confront the Crisis or Loss and "Talk It Out"

Discussing troubles has two chief values. It is a method of expressing emotions, and so often helps to get rid of their effects. Then, too, putting feelings into words can help a person to see the situation more objectively. Just knowing that someone is aware of our hurt feelings, worries, or difficult decisions and cares about us can mean a great deal. Burdens shared with a friend are often lighter to carry. As someone once said: "A joy shared is doubled, a sorrow shared is halved."

So help the troubled person talk about and realize the danger, the pain, the trouble, the feeling of loss, the real elements of the crisis. Help the person to speak of unspoken fears, to grieve, and even to cry.

Be A Good Listener

If the other person is to talk it out, you must be a good listener. Good listening encourages people to talk about their problems. Here are a few ways of listening to others:

Stop talking. You cannot listen while you are talking.

Try to put yourself in the other person's place. Trying to recall how you felt in similar circumstances or what you know of how others have been affected by similar circumstances may help. Don't, however, assume that the person's responses are or should be the same.

Show that you are paying attention.

Relax physically; feel the presence of the chair as you are sitting on it. Let your posture be comfortable and your movements natural. For example, if you usually move and gesture a good deal, feel free to do so at this time.

Initiate and maintain eye contact with the person. If you are going to listen to someone, look at him or her. A varied use of eye contact is most effective; staring fixedly or with undue intensity usually makes the person uneasy.

Take your cues for response or action from what the person is saying. Don't jump from subject to subject or interrupt. If you can't think of anything to say, go back to something the person said earlier in the conversation and ask a question about that. There is no need to talk about yourself or your opinions.

To help the person begin, use "door openers" open-ended questions that allow the person to go into the subject at length.

"Tell me about it."

"Would you like to talk about it?"

"Let's discuss it."

"I'm listening."

"This seems really important to you."

Keep encouraging the person to talk. Here little things can make a big difference. Any one of these tend to keep the person talking, if you are sincerely interested and genuinely listening. Their rote repetition have no magical power.

Saying "Umm hmmm"

Nodding

"Oh?" "So?" "Then?" "And?"

The repetition of one or two key words

"Tell me more."

"How did you feel about that?"

"What does that mean to you?"

Ask questions and listen to the answers. Especially try to find out how the person feels.

Don't guess what the person is going to say and answer that without really listening.

Check out what you understand the person to be saying to be sure you're getting their meaning. Repeat what you think the person said, asking if you are right: "is this how you feel?" or "Is that it?"

Try to avoid judging the person. This can stop communication.

Don't Give the Troubled Person False Assurance

Persons in trouble desperately want to be reassured, and all our feelings urge us to give that reassurance. But the "there, there, everything will be all right" approach is not a help. It relegates them to the role of a child and makes them weaker, rather than stronger. It may actually be a disservice; everything may not be all right. The kind of reassurance that persons in grave difficulty need is not the meaningless comfort that the crisis will take care of itself, but rather our statement of faith that they will be strong enough to work it out even if it is not all right. Let them know that you are available and would like to work with them in finding something that can help-preferably to help them help themselves. Lend a shoulder as an equal, instead of reassuring like a parent. This provides a more important kind of reassurance-the reassurance that you have faith in their ability to handle the crisis.

Don't Encourage Blaming Others

A typical stage of mourning is anger and a blaming of others for the condition or loss. Research has shown that persons who did not cope very successfully with their crises had an overwhelming tendency to dwell on the people or things they imagined were responsible for their trouble. Blaming is a way of avoiding the truth, of looking at an ephemeral might-have-been instead of looking at the problem at hand. Don't encourage persons in trouble to speculate on the villains in the case with the idea that they will feel better if they can place the blame on someone for the trouble. Blaming may make it harder and less likely that they will come out of the crisis strengthened.

Encourage a Presentation of All the Facts and All Constructive Possibilities

Emotional tension can easily lead to misunderstanding and misinterpretation, so it is important that the facts be clear. It's amazing how often people make important decisions without taking time to ascertain all the facts and to look into all the options. Ask the person to tell you about the change, crisis, or loss-when it started, how it occurred or developed, what consequences have resulted, how it has affected them, how they feel about it.

Following are some specific steps you may want to use to guide troubled persons:

Help them sort out the pieces of the problem they are facing.

Help them separate those parts about which they can do something from those about which they can do nothing; there's no use wasting energy on the latter.

Encourage them to describe what they have tried; there's no use repeating things that haven't worked.

Encourage them to describe or discover other possible solutions: "How else might this problem be settled?"; "What other approaches are there?"; "What other information is needed before a wise decision can be made?"

Help them examine each of these in terms of their probable consequences-"What will probably happen if you ... ?"

Help them to decide which of the various alternatives they want to try now.

Encourage the Person to Focus on the Practical Future

This is much healthier than dwelling on past wrongs and mistakes. Granted, spouses, neighbors, children, and relatives do make minor as well as major mistakes. Outside events may also cause injustices, inconvenience, and discomfort. A woman miscarries. A loved one dies. A man loses his job. A child fails in school. A family has to move. Bemoaning misfortunes does not help to build a better future. Heaping blame on other people or on fate may lessen willingness to accept responsibility for current actions and may prevent persons from doing the best they can to cope.

Naturally, you do not want to criticize those you are trying to help-they may interpret criticism as blanket rejection. Instead, aim at guiding them gently by showing your interest, attention, and sympathy when they begin to talk about what they are going to do now to solve or at least lessen present problems. If the person does not voluntarily indicate such intentions, you may-again, gently-want to raise some question such as, "All right, what can you do about this matter?"

Some steps in this process probably include the following:

Encourage them to plan just how they will begin doing what they have decided to do; the plan should be realistic, with achievable goals.

Encourage them to commit themselves to doing this, beginning soon and at an agreed-upon time.

If they resist beginning to act on the problem, help them discuss and resolve these feelings.

Point out that as they begin to do something, however small, about the situation, they'll probably start to feel better-less depressed, more hopeful.

Have them phone you to let you know how the action plan worked or make a date to see them again soon.

Help them find the resources to cope-spiritual, interpersonal, inner.

In subsequent contacts, have them describe what happened, affirm them for successes in implementing the action plan (however small these successes), help them rethink their action goals (what's the next step?), and repeat those parts which are necessary to help them continue coping.

Encourage Sensible Health Habits

The body influences emotions and mental functions. People are particularly likely to be upset when they are hungry or over tired. You might remind a troubled friend that when problems seem insoluble, new perspectives sometimes are gained simply by a good night's sleep and well balanced wholesome meals. Encourage some form of exercise to the point of fatigue. Walking is a great tension reliever!

Respect Privacy

When persons are upset they may tell intimate secrets. Later they may be sorry they talked so freely. If you are listening to a friend's troubles, try not to lead her or him into revealing information they may later regret.

If your friends and relatives do mention an act that is usually condemned, try especially hard to show that you are for them as precious human beings regardless of their past actions. The value of every human person, no matter how they have acted, is basic to the philosophy of giving help to others.

Resist any temptation to pass on confidences that have come from intimate conversations. Persons who confide in you can be comfortable with aid received only if they feel sure their privacy will be respected. If you violate this confidence, they are almost certain to eventually learn of it and any trust that has developed will be lost. Similarly, sharing with them conversations others have confided in you will suggest that you will do the same with their confidences.

Know Your Limitations

Serious problems need professional and experienced help. Individual counseling by a psychiatrist, family service agency, mental health or human development center, clinical psychologist, or accredited marriage counselor can often supply the help needed. Group help from psychotherapy groups or Alcoholics Anonymous also meets the needs of many. If you become involved with someone who you think may need more help than you can provide, you will probably want to scout around for possible referrals.

Most everyday human troubles, however, are not serious enough to need this kind of assistance. A wise, warm, kindhearted spouse, parent, or friend can do much to ease the emotional distress that comes from the worries, disappointments, and conflicts of life.

If enough of us are aware of these ways in which we can help each other in times of trouble, more and more people can be assisted in working through the inevitable life hazards that confront us all.

As Harvard psychologist Gerald Caplan says, "It is remarkable to see the power that ordinary people have to adapt to reality, however unpleasant. They have a great deal more strength than we often give them credit for. Unassisted, in a time of crisis this strength may fail them. But if we recognize it and build it up, we can help each other through times of trouble."

Issued in furtherance of cooperative extension work in agriculture and home economics, acts of May 8 and June 30, 1914, in cooperation with the U.S. Department of Agriculture, Patrick J. Borich, Dean and Director of Agricultural Extension Service, University of Minnesota, St. Paul, Minnesota 55108.

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