For Treena Tims, the task of raising two small children as a single
mom is a constant struggle between dependence and independence.
She never has enough time or energy to do all she thinks needs to
be done to raise her children, ages 2 and 6. But she doesn't want
to rely too much on help from others either. Treena knows she can't
go it alone, so she's struck a balance of asking for help from her
mother and from the fathers of her two children when she or her
kids need help.
Treena
and the father of her six-year-old daughter were married when Treena
was 21. "Our expectations weren't thought out real well," she says.
After a challenging pregnancy that caused Treena to go on and off
of bed rest, her daughter, DeLisa, was born six weeks early. She
was a cranky, colicky baby - not sleeping through the night until
she was three years old. Even Treena's mom, who cared occasionally
for DeLisa while Treena worked at a local life insurance company,
thought there was something "wrong" with the baby. Meanwhile Treena
worked days, and her husband worked nights. Eventually, all the
stresses became too much for the family, and the young parents split
up.
That
was five years ago. Since then, a lot of healing has occurred, and
both parents are in new relationships. Despite the difficulties
they've experienced in their relationship, both are committed to
working together for DeLisa's well-being.
So,
when DeLisa has a school event, and Treena can't make it, she doesn't
hesitate to call DeLisa's father...or her own mom. "DeLisa expects
people to be there," says Treena. DeLisa's grandmother and dad have
also made sure that she gets to her piano and karate lessons, and
her choir rehearsals.
Although
this kind of cooperation is terrific for DeLisa, as many separated
parents know, raising kids becomes even trickier when they don't
live together. Even a commitment to work together as parents doesn't
mean that Treena and her ex-husband agree on every aspect of raising
DeLisa.
Although
Treena and her ex-husband work together to be as consistent as possible,
finding a balance is tough. DeLisa spends the weekend going special
places with her Dad, and she finds the transition to living the
more routine life with her mom to be difficult. Her dad is strict
and wants things done when he tells her to do them, says Treena.
"Sometimes I'm too easy on the kids, because they've been through
so much," says Treena. "Her dad says you don't have to explain things
to DeLisa. I think she does need an explanation."
When DeLisa comes back from a weekend with her dad and his new wife,
it takes sometimes several days to get DeLisa back into Treena's
routine and used to her parenting style. The transitions from one
household to another occasionally result in outbursts and tantrums
from DeLisa that are difficult for Treena to control. One of the
ways Treena has coped with this issue has been to share her parenting
experiences and concerns in a "Parent-to-Parent" program sponsored
by her employer, Head Start, and Parents Anonymous. Although Treena
is sometimes the facilitator of the parent-led meetings, she says
it helps for her to share and get feedback. "It lets the participants
know that even though I work in this field, I don't have all the
answers," she says.
In
addition to the challenges of sharing parenting with a father who
is not in the home, sometimes Treena feels guilty. "I don't do enough
for Delisa one-on-one" says Treena. Delisa's little brother, Royce,
who is 2, demands a lot of attention and his needs are often more
immediate. "How do you fit it all into one day?" asks Treena, who
also works with young children in her job as a parent liaison with
Head Start.
In
addition to "no time," Treena and her young family face other challenges.
Her job provides limited income, and due to the fact that Head Start
operates only when school is in session, Treena can't work at her
regular job during the summer. And child support from her son's
father is sporadic.
"Sometimes
I wonder if it's worth it," says Treena as she describes piecing
together her monthly budget and trying to cover child care expenses.
But she quickly puts that thought aside when she considers how far
she and her kids have come.
All
in all, Treena is balancing the tension between dependence and independence
well, and as a result, her kids have more protective factors and
support than they would have if she didn't welcome the help from
other family members.
