Seeds of Promise Volume 3
Focusing in on fathers

This report makes a strong case for the importance of fathers in children's lives -- and for the transforming power of fatherhood in the lives of men. This is the third in our four-part series called "Seeds of Violence or Seeds of Promise."

The first report, released in April, summarized research findings about protective factors that help children thrive even in the face of high-risk circumstances. Building on that theme, the second report emphasized the value of a secure parent-child attachment, and this third report addresses the importance of a father's care and ways to encourage father involvement. The fourth and final report will showcase exciting community initiatives that are making a difference for Minnesota children and youth. It will be released in April 1997.

To receive the other reports, call the Children, Youth & Family Consortium at (612) 625-7248, or visit our web page at www.cyfc.umn.edu for more information on fatherhood programs.

Experts define responsible fathering

The Children, Youth & Family Consortium at theUniversity of Minnesota recently released a report on responsible fathering, which was prepared for the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (DHHS). The report will be used by the federal government to develop policies and programs to increase father involvement with children.

The definition of a responsible father as cited in the report is from New Expectations: Community Strategies for Responsible Fatherhood by James Levine and Edward Pitt, a book published in 1995 by the Families and Work Institute in New York. The authors' definition of a responsible father includes these points:

He waits to make a baby until he is prepared emotionally and financially to support his child.

He establishes legal paternity.

He actively shares with the child's mother in the continuing emotional and physical care of their child, from pregnancy onwards.

He shares with the child's mother in the continuing financial support of their child, from pregnancy onwards.

Research confirms what dads and kids tell us

Fathers are important in the lives of their children

and children help men 'grow up,' too

by Martha Farrell Erickson, Ph.D.

Today approximately 19 million American children are growing up in homes without their fathers. And in many families, for many reasons, fathers are emotionally absent. The problem of father absence has been well documented, both in numbers that capture the scope of the problem and in a range of negative outcomes that reflect the deep psychological trauma experienced by the children -- and the high cost to society. Father absence is strongly associated with high rates of school failure and drop-out, early sexual activity and teen pregnancy, youth suicide, juvenile delinquency and adult criminality. Even among youth who appear to have escaped those serious consequences, their longing for their fathers is profound. When fatherhood researchers ask children for their perspective, they often speak poignantly of what is missing from their lives.

Beyond the emotional and behavioral consequences of father absence, there are striking economic consequences for the children. Less than half of mothers awarded child support receive the full amount due. Almost 40 percent of children living with divorced mothers and over 65 percent of children living with never-married mothers are living below the poverty line. This compares with 10 percent of children living in two-parent families. (Unfortunately, even if all fathers paid what they owe in child support, it wouldn't bring all children out of poverty, since family poverty is complicated by a myriad of factors, including the level of education of both parents. But it would indeed make a significant difference.)

What difference can a dad make in children's lives?

To consider fatherhood from a more positive perspective, the benefits of father involvement also are well-documented. At the most basic level, father's presence in the home yields significant economic benefits for all family members; but just being present is not enough. As we discussed in the second report of this series, fathers are an important source of nurturance and emotional security for their infants, as well as a critical source of support for the mother-infant attachment. For the fathers themselves, caring for a child is a transforming experience that often leads to personal growth, motivation and, in turn, improved economic security.

As children grow, their fathers' active engagement in their lives enhances their chances for academic success, a healthy gender identity, clear values and moral development, and ultimately greater success in both family and work. Although it's easy to imagine the importance of a father in the life of a growing son, daughters also benefit enormously from a close, loving relationship with their father. Their academic achievement and later intimate relationships speak strongly of their father's role in their lives.

Some who tout the importance of fathers would prescribe certain tasks and roles for fathers as necessarily distinct from the tasks of mothers (i.e. mother as nurturer, father as disciplinarian and moral guide). But there is more rhetoric than data to support that notion.

Research suggests that it's not so critical exactly how a mother and father divide the specific tasks of parenting, but that they cooperate in figuring out what works for them and their children. In fact, a mother and father actively parenting together is the strongest predictor of positive outcomes for children. Most likely to succeed on all fronts are the children whose parents are married and living together in relative harmony. And in cases of divorce, children do best when parents can set aside the conflicts that eroded the marriage and agree to work together as co-parents.

What constitutes good parenting regardless of gender?

Beyond that, research also points to key features of good parenting, regardless of gender: unwavering love; sensitivity to the child's needs and feelings; clear and consistent limits geared to the child's stage of development; firm but not harsh discipline; encouragement of the child's emerging independence; involvement in the child's education; and, perhaps above all, a living example of respect for self and others. Although many fine single parents embody these qualities and valiantly raise their children to healthy adulthood, blessed is the child who has two parents working together to provide all of these things.

University of Minnesota Professor William Doherty, who has studied fathers and families for 20 years, reports that how we view fathers' roles is changing, but slowly. Many men and women are grappling with what seems to be a new standard of father involvement, according to Doherty. "Cross-culturally, a man's success as a father is tied to his economic success," he says. "It also is tied to how much the mother is willing to let him father and how well they're getting along. The degree of involvement expected of fathers is much lower than that of mothers. Given the direction our society is taking in terms of how it values nurturing, it would be better to hold fathers to the traditional expectations for a mother rather than vice versa."

On the other hand, Dr. Glen Palm, a researcher and father educator from St. Cloud State University cautions men against throwing out all of the parenting behaviors and characteristics they've become associated with over time: promoting independence, pushing limits of talents, playfulness, protection and security, and being more likely to challenge authority. He says dads today need to build on their own strengths as well as on things they've learned from women they regard as good parents -- usually their mothers or wives. Palm points out that fatherhood is an important second chance for men to build on their relationship skills, which he says often have been stunted by male socialization.

What are the barriers to father involvement?

Given the importance of fathers, why are so many men still absent, physically or emotionally, from the lives of their children? What are the barriers, internal and external, that make it so hard for fathers and children to be together? Based on research, policy analysis, and testimony from fathers themselves, there seem to be many answers to that question.

ECONOMIC BARRIERS to father involvement are significant, especially in a society that often defines a man's value by how well he provides for his family. Young men who feel hopeless about their economic potential may choose to define their manliness in other ways and see little reason to invest emotionally in a family they can't support However, fathers who can be successfully engaged in their baby's life may find new reason and hope for their educational and financial achievement.

THE DEMISE OF MARRIAGE and, in some situations, public policies that create incentives for remaining unmarried are cited by many as barriers to father involvement. There is great debate about how to reinvigorate the institution of marriage without undermining the efforts of unmarried parents. But many experts agree that we at least ought to be asking the question of whether we as a society are doing all we can do through education, as well as through tax and welfare programs, to encourage successful, enduring marriages.

FATHERS OFTEN SAY THEY WEREN'T SOCIALIZED TO PARENT.

Their signs of tenderness were squelched at an early age, and they were taught to be tough. While their female counterparts earned Girl Scout badges for child care, no such opportunities were available for boys. And there were few if any models of males as nurturers, educators, or fathers dealing with the daily tasks of parenting.

PROFESSIONALS OFTEN ACT AS IF "PARENT" IS SYNONYMOUS WITH MOTHER. Fathers describe feeling left out of the equation from the moment of their child's birth, as health care providers, teachers and others actively engage moms but not dads. At work, fathers often feel stigmatized when they exercise their right to stay home with a sick child or a new baby. Minnesota is known nationally as a hotbed of father support activity through such programs as MELD's Young Dads, the Father's Resource Center, and the public schools' Early Childhood Family Education classes for dads, but we still have a long way to go.

SOMETIMES WOMEN ARE THE BARRIER TO FATHER INVOLVEMENT. In marriage, husbands are sometimes criticized because they don't change the diaper the way their female partners do. Post-divorce, parents sometimes sink to using children as pawns in their adult battles. And, in some cases, women choose to bear children on their own as if a father weren't important in the lives of their children. Of course, in some situations there is good cause for a woman to act as gatekeeper. As University of Minnesota Professor Oliver Williams notes, male violence too often is the wedge that drives families apart. We are not likely to get very far in promoting positive fatherhood until we come to grips with the ugly truth of domestic abuse.

What to do when domestic abuse enters the picture?

According to Williams, it's not male anger that's the problem, it's how some men respond to it. "Sometimes they're angry about the wrong thing. Sometimes they respond to situations passively until they explode. Generally men who become physically abusive haven't developed effective strategies for resolving conflict. Typical approaches to prevention and treatment have encouraged men to take responsibility for their behavior rather than deferring the cause to their partner. "

Recent trends in domestic abuse prevention focus on men healing their emotional wounds that may trigger their abusive behavior toward a partner. The abuser is 100 percent accountable for their violence, and sanctions must be employed when abuse does occur, Williams says.

Awareness of their role as a male model is the chief motivator for many fathers who seek treatment for domestic abuse. When fathers see their children acting out abusive behavior witnessed in the family, it is a sobering moment for men and the topic of conversation in many group discussions, according to Williams. "Often men who abuse others have one feeling and that feeling is anger," he says. "They need to work on developing the range of emotions available to most people. It is also imperative for them to develop non-abusive alternatives to violence in conflict or stressful situations."

What do we know about effective strategies for supporting men in the positive role of father?

Teen and unwed fathers need special support -- Young dads often need outside assistance to overcome the social barriers that discourage high levels of involvement with their children. Many local programs emphasize building on these young fathers' inherent strengths and providing support as the young men identify what they wish to change.

Father support programs -- Although extensive evaluation data are unavailable for most father support programs, a review of the research on father involvement suggests positive directions for programs. As recommended in a recent report prepared by CYFC for the federal Department of Health and Human Services, father support programs should: concentrate on key aspects of "responsible fathering" (See box on back page.); involve mothers whenever feasible and promote a positive partnership between the two parents; take into account the influence of families of origin in developing a father identity and learning the skills of fathering; emphasize critical transition points for fathers and children, including changes in the lives of their children and/or in the status of the father's living situation; involve an employment dimension, since unemployment has a negative impact on a father's relationship with his children -- whether he lives with them or not; deal with the father's relationship with community systems, including courts, child support enforcement, schools, etc.; train all staff who work with children and families to promote responsible fathering; and involve fathers working with fathers as mentors.

Public and private policies that support father involvement -- Sadly, both government and workplace policies and practices have often hindered more than helped to promote active involvement of fathers with their children. Fortunately, this trend is changing, but much remains to be done. Policy makers at all levels should consider how changes in workplace and legal regulations might affect the strength and quality of relationships between fathers and their children. (See accompanying policy article.)

Since all of these areas are new and emerging, there is a strong need for careful research to evaluate the impact of programs and policies.

How do father support programs make a difference in the lives of dads?

While research and theory are helpful in developing father support programs, those on the front lines of the fatherhood movement also rely on direct experience and feedback from participants to tell them what works and what doesn't. According to Neil Tift, executive director of the Fathers' Resource Center (FRC), support programs for fathers are a fairly new phenomenon. In the 1980s, Tift was on the board of the Men's Center, a local non-profit group that provides support services to men. He and a few others were frustrated by the lack of resources for fathers. They noted that in a United Way directory of 62 parenting organizations, only 11 had services for dads. In 1991 the FRC, headed by Tift, opened to provide information, education, referral services and support for men. Today, the center serves more than 1,000 men annually through five metropolitan locations, and FRC staff are active in a broad network of people and organizations that support fathers.

An example of a consumer-driven organization, FRC focuses on a few primary program initiatives that reflect what men say they want and need: parenting education, family law clinics, mentor programs for fathers, and support groups, and a recent addition, anger management courses. All of these services are educational and preventive -- those who need intervention are referred to the Domestic Abuse Project or a similar program. Some of the men in the anger management courses have scared themselves while raging at their children -- they don't want to repeat what their dads did to them, according to Tift. "At FRC, they learn the distinction between explaining and excusing behaviors. The work allows men to let go of their junk and begin healing."

FRC's philosophy is to seek win/win not win/lose solutions involving both males and females. For example, FRC and Chrysalis, a women's counseling center, are now co-sponsoring "Shared Parenting" courses for parents who are in the process of splitting up. The course will help parents examine the impact that divorce will have on the lives of their children and offer tools to allow them to coparent from separate households. The two non-profit organizations are modeling the behaviors they want their clients to emulate, explains Tift.

In summary, a rich body of research and wisdom from the field can guide us all as we work together to overcome the psychological, social and economic barriers that stand between children and their fathers -- if only we have the will. For the sake of the children and for the health and wellbeing of our society, we must overcome these barriers.

Public and private policies should promote father involvement

Traditionally, both public and private policies have hurt more than they've promoted the active involvement of fathers with their children. Although this trend is changing, much remains to be done. From the workplace to welfare reform to family court, policy makers at all levels struggle with how laws and rules affect the relationship between fathers and their children.

This issue is especially challenging in the area of child support enforcement. As the Minnesota Director of Child Support Enforcement Laura Kadwell explains it, policy makers aren't charged with the job of protecting the rights of moms or dads. Their focus is on the children. And since in most cases the child is living with "mom," laws sometimes seem skewed in her favor.

Since the success of child support collection is influenced positively by a father's access to his children, there are strong financial reasons for promoting shared custody. However, Kadwell points out that making child support contingent upon access can be dangerous -- particularly in cases where abuse may have occurred.

There has been an impressive 100 percent increase in the amount of child support collected in Minnesota during the past five years thanks to employer collection efforts and stiffer penalties for not paying. Last year a total of $323 million was collected in Minnesota alone -- $253 million of which went to families not receiving public assistance. "The good news there," says Kadwell, "is that most of the money is going directly to families to meet the needs of children."

As this report points out, children benefit financially from the support of their fathers, but in important emotional ways as well. Effective policies can recognize this in a variety of important ways:

Encourage the establishment of legal paternity at birth.

Increase public awareness about the importance of fatherhood through sharing research-based information, such as this report.

Restructure welfare policies that punish marriage and responsible fatherhood.

Reform divorce laws to give the needs of children equal priority with those of their parents.

Enforce children's rights to an emotional relationship with their fathers by ensuring visitation and access to their fathers is maintained.

Provide job training and economic development opportunities to fathers who are motivated but not able to pay child support due to employment challenges.

Implement and encourage use of father-friendly employment practices at work. These include childcare facilities where fathers work, parental leave for child birth, adoption, time off for school functions and child medical care, and use of flex-time, job sharing and telecommuting work options.

Provide parenting education for dads of all ages, and develop creative ways for promoting special time for fathers and children to spend together.

Make sure that school course work and youth activities provide boys, as well as girls, with opportunities to develop the knowledge, skills and motivation to become a good parent.

It makes good sense to review all policies from the standpoint of how they affect parents' relationships with their children -- particularly at a time when work demands and time pressure can make family connections especially fragile.

"My dad is too rough, not home enough, he yells too much, and his consequences are much too hard on me. That's the way most fathers are. Why? I don't know. -- Boy, 11, from Take Time to Play Checkers by Misti Snow

"When I was a little girl, my dad would get me up in the morning, make breakfast for me, and do my hair for me because my mom had to go to work before I was ever awake. That was really special. I will never forget that." -- Heather, 13, from Take Time to Play Checkers by Misti Snow

"If you're upset, don't take it out on us. We are not as strong as you think we are. If you're yelling at us we might be acting tough on the outside, but inside, deep inside, we might be crying a river." -- Girl, 12, from Take Time to Play Checkers by Misti Snow

"I don't know my real dad. I would like for my mom to tell me somethings about my dad because she may hate him, but I have a right to love him. If I ever find my dad I will spend all my time with him and never leave him. If you're reading this paper, Dad, I love you."

-- Boy, 11, from Take Time to Play Checkers by Misti Snow

"My advice for fathers is try not to hide the caring, loving "motherly" side too well. Sometimes, more than anything, that isreally what we need to see." -- Mark, 16, from Take Time to Play Checkers by Misti Snow

"Some fathers have this macho image. If they are seen loving a child, they will be embarrassed. -- Rachel, 16, from Take Time to Play Checkers by Misti Snow

"When my gradpa died, for the first time my father put aside his pride and cried. I'll never forget that moment when my father and I cried together." -- Boy, 12, from Take Time to Play Checkers by Misti Snow

"I couldn't give my Dad any advice now because he died when I was seven. But I do have advice for other dads. Spend as much time as you can with your kids now, because you don't know how much time you have left to be with them." Liza, 11, from Take Time to Play Checkers by Misti Snow

15 years in U.S. , 15 years in Laos, Blong Xiong has learned to appreciate bi-cultural aspects of parenting

Blong Xiong came to the U.S. from Laos 15 years ago when he was 15 years old. Today, Blong is a research assistant to Dan Detzner, a professor of family studies at the University of Minnesota. They are working on developing a parenting curriculum to help Southeast Asians deal with cultural differences they encounter in parenting.

Blong gets plenty of opportunities to experiment with parenting theories at home. He has an infant son and a toddler daughter. Since they don't keep track of ages in years in Laos as we do in the United States, the ages of his children don't come to Blong to automatically. His wife, who is also from Southeast Asia, doesn't work outside the home.

When asked about the major difference between American and Asian cultures, Blong didn't hesitate. Southeast Asians are surprised that the notion of "the system" does not exist in this country. Southeast Asians are used to working with government, schools, officials and the legal community to raise their children, he explains.

Parents don't experience the same kind of support here, and there isn't the same kind of mutual cooperation. Additionally, traditional ways of discipline, such as spanking are undermined here, while they are still promoted in Blong's home land. Southeast Asian parents ask, "If I can't spank -- what can I do?" Sometimes, they give up on discipline altogether.

Due to Southeast Asian social norms, which discourage challenging the sytem, parental advocacy is considered disrespectful. Southeast Asians are not taught to represent their children's voice at school or in legal conflicts, according to Blong. They are taught to respect authority figures, whose status they believe reflects their greater wisdom and knowledge.

Another cultural difference is the idea of caring for your self, which is an important aspect of parenting in this culture. Where Blong is from, caring for your family is considered caring for yourself because the family and the self are considered one and the same. Here in America exercise, counseling, and time out for self, is caring for your self -- most of which are considered selfish in Blong's home culture.

The concept of equality isn't as widely accepted in Southeast Asia. Girls are supposed to go right home after school and help with household chores, says Blong. In sharp contrast to American expectations, they aren't supposed to participate in extracurricular activities.

Gender stereotypes also apply to Southeast Asian fathers. "There is strong social stigma attached to nurturing and fathers," says Blong. "If children need something (jeans, shoes, a party), a father provides it. That is how they show their love. Southeast Asian fathers are emotionally distant compared to American counterparts. The way of showing love is to let your children know you want their life to be better. Words are empty -- you've got to show your love, not say it."

Blong's parents, who also now live in Minnesota, sometimes tell him that an involved, caring father is considered narrow-hearted or selfish, soft and weak. A respected father needs to be emotionally distant from his children to serve and contribute as a leader and active participant in his community. Since Blong is in graduate school, he has higher status in his community, so the stigma of his untraditional involvement with his children is worse. His parents tell him playing with his children in public won't promote his role as a future leader. They give him many non-verbal cues at family gatherings. He reports that the looks on their faces say: "What's wrong with him? Or well, he must not be important. What's wrong with his wife that she doesn't handle all the nurturing needs by herself?"

However, Blong is convinced that it is healthy for men to be involved in nurturing their children. "If a father gets an early start, the strong attachment that develops could continue throughout both the parent and child's life," he says. Typically, Southeast Asians pull back when children become adolescents. There are taboos against being too close to opposite sex children, and boys particularly are given a lot of independence in adolescence. Girls are more protected due to the fears of premature pregnancy.

Blong's initial interest in parenting was spurred in part by his own relationship with his father, who was a clan leader with high status. As such, he was often distant, and there was no strong attachment between father and son -- it would have undermined the father's role in his community. "When I have things to discuss with my father, I still don't feel comfortable," says Blong. "I want to create a new picture for my children. I want them to talk to me and ask me for help. I play with them on the ground whether my parents or relatives are there or not. Whether they think I'm weak or soft, I have to block those concerns, so I don't hurt my relationship with my children. If I were back in Laos, I may have followed the same path as my father."

However, Blong is clear that the U.S. way isn't the best in all circumstances. A more positive aspect of his homeland is that people there have truly embraced the notion that it takes more than parents to raise a family. "They believe it takes the whole family -- younger children, older siblings and grandparents," he says. "And once they reach pre-adolescence, it takes the whole family plus, teachers, police, the entire social system.

"The real opportunity will be to combine the strengths of the Southeast Asian culture with successful adaptations to U.S. parenting norms, so Southeast Asian families can thrive here."

Sharing parenting responsibilities after divorce

Raising children in a household with two adults who get along is challenge enough in today's fast paced world. But in the face of the divisiveness of divorce and the added challenges of meeting household and parenting needs with less time and less money, you often have a recipe for trouble.

It's no wonder that divorced parents have a tough time getting along; not getting along is what led to the break up in the first place. And with half of all U.S. children living in single-parent headed households, our culture is in desperate need of co-parenting models that work. As research clearly indicates, children of divorced parents who get along do better emotionally and scholastically than children of parents who fight or don't communicate.

With this in mind Brenda SueWaugh and Michael Williams have spent the last two and a half years since their separation and eventual divorce learning how to put the needs of their eight-year-old daughter, Brittany, first and their animosity behind them.

As Brenda explains it, "when you get beyond the emotional to the logical, you can reach a win-win situation." For Brenda, a secretary at a downtown insurance company, thinking logically helped her quickly come to the conclusion that Michael is Brittany's father, and nothing will change that. She also recognized that the most important thing is the well-being of her child. Now Brenda says "there's no more arguing between the two of us, and Brittany doesn't get caught in the middle."

Getting to win-win didn't happen over night. Many divorced parents never get beyond that angry stage. Michael says he sees a cycle to the process of divorce, starting out amicably, moving to bitterness, than disappointment and eventually to the reality that your marriage is over.

Michael and Brenda realized early on that Brittany could be misled by their amicable relationship and harbor false hopes for a family reunion. But they made it clear early in the divorce process that they didn't expect to get back together. One night they took her out for pizza and told her that although they'd never live together again, they'd work hard at getting along.

Since then, Brenda has spent two years in therapy to determine what she wants and needs emotionally, so she can do a good job of taking care of herself and Brittany. Getting along with Michael doesn't come automatically. "It's taken a lot of self talk and reality checks," she says. "In the beginning, it was hard. Then it became more routine. Now, it's a lot easier."

Getting along with Michael has helped Brenda get over the disappointment of divorce faster. "It smoothes the trail a little bit," she says. I think we're healing faster because we can talk about things that happened between us. Talking has allowed us to get to common ground."

For Brittany there are both subtle and obvious advantages to having divorced parents who get along. She may not realize until much later in life that she's lucky to have parents who are consistent in how they discipline her. So far her efforts to "pull one over" on one parent or the other have been thwarted by her parents' regular communication. From a pragmatic standpoint, it's most useful to Brittany to have parents who are willing to go so far as to shop for her clothes together.

Above all, cooperative coparenting allows Brittany to have a father who's actively involved in her life. While it's hard for researchers and for Michael to put a finger on exactly what children actually get from father-child interaction, Michael was willing to speculate. He says Brittany gets a perspective on how males think; she's familiar with the physical differences between the two sexes and gets a chance to talk with him about them; and she gets to participate in her dad's hobbies, such as boating and fishing. Brittany also gets a sense of her father's work as a vice president of the Fairfield Company, a surety bond agency in downtown Minneapolis.

For all the public rhetoric about divorced dads and money, financial support was the last thing on Michael's list when he ticked off why he feels it's important to stay actively involved with his daughter. He doesn't begrudge neither Brenda nor Brittany the child support he pays, and on a recent shopping trip with the two of them, Michael bought Brittany warm wear for the upcoming Minnesota winter. "I contribute above and beyond the child support requirements," says Michael. "I want to do that."

Lowell Peterson is dad to five,

male role model to 500

Physical education teacher Lowell Peterson sees 500 children a week during the course of his work at Armatage Elementary School in South Minneapolis. With only a few other males on the 50-member staff, Lowell is a rare commodity. Sometimes after a draining day at school, Lowell finds it challenging to meet the needs of his wife and five children as well. "When I get home, I want to shut down, but I'd miss out on rewarding relationships with my wife and kids," he says.

He's noticed many lot of similarities between what the kids at school need and what his own children need: a positive, consistent, steady figure, who's nurturing and shows a lot of loving. The son of missionaries, Lowell spent much of his childhood years living in Brazil. He continues to find time to reflect and ponder on spiritual matters, which he finds refreshing and re-energizing.

He and his wife have made a conscious choice to do with fewer material things. "The time with our kids is priceless," he says. "No matter what amount you earn, you'll never make enough to replace that." He and his family live in Farmington, and his wife doesn't work outside the home. "She grew up in a small town, and that's where she's most comfortable. It's important to me that she feel comfortable, so I commute to Minneapolis -- partly because salaries are better, but mostly because the need is great."

When asked why dads and males are special to children, Lowell answered: "Kids go in phases. Sometimes they want their mom. Other times they want their dad. At certain times in their lives they need their dad more than their mom and vice versa. I see this in both my boys and my girls. They like the fact that we operate differently. I don't do things or feel the same way mom does. They want to see how the other half operates."

At school, he thinks men are associated with a higher level of physical activity and more authoritarian behavior. He admits to using the latter to his advantage occasionally and to being sometimes disappointed that it's expected of him. "I want to be sensitive, caring and nurturing with kids," he says. "I don't like to order kids around. What do they learn from that? What do I learn from that?"

Growing up in Brazil, Lowell became aware of domestic abuse at a young age. Women would come to his parents for help. The Brazilian culture dictates that you never hit a woman -- it's a sign of weakness. "I tell kids at school that you don't hit anyone because that's a sign of strength," he says.

Instead, to make a point with a child who is bullying another, Lowell invades his personal space, which he says is 18 inches from the child's face. According to Lowell, if you talk directly to a child and look into his eyes, he won't lie to you. "I've had encounters of this nature with many kids who now give me 'high 5s' on their way to class," he says. "They want to tell you the truth about what's going on, but we have to listen."

Lowell has a female partner at home and at work. He team teaches with a female physical education teacher, and says he thinks everyone who team teaches should do so in a male-female partnership. "Both bring strengths and weaknesses," he adds. "The best thing about it is that the children can see us working together and not fighting. Communication at home and work is the key. If we don't talk and talk and plan and plan, one of us could go off on a tangent. That's where misunderstandings occur. We work hard both at home and at school to provide consistency. When we don't talk, it leads to breakdown."

In addition to regular planning with his co-worker, Lowell sets aside a "sacred time" with his wife Kate. "I have to work harder at communicating than I want to," he says. "If we're not working constantly to improve and uplift, our relationships will die."

After a rough day at school and sometimes at home, Lowell takes time to revisit his core beliefs. "I always go back to where the basics are and eventually I see things in a different light. Praying and meditating give me fresh approaches. It's unfortunate that a lot of people don't take that time. There's pressure in our society to move at such a fast pace. I'm grateful that teaching provides me the time I need to think."

Nurturing Seeds of Promise

10 Ways to Strengthen Fathers' Connections with Children

1. At home . . . Share responsibilities of caring for children with their father. Setting up regular dates with dad gives kids and their father time to connect without interference and mom time to do something for herself.

2. At work . . . don't assume that men have no family responsibilities. Meetings should be scheduled at times respectful of family obligations and co-workers should show respect not condescension for men who put their families first.

3. At school . . . fathers should be invited to be room coordinators, book readers, active participants in academic progress conferences (whether or not they live with their child).

4. At the doctor's office . . . dad's opinion counts too. Health care professionals need to recognize that dads today play an active role in the physical care of their children.

5. At school programs . . . whenever possible, children with parents who live apart should receive two invitations to school events. Faces shine twice as brightly when they see both parents in the audience.

6. In legal situations . . . dads rights to see their children should be honored. Keeping a parent and child apart is painful to both of them. Only cases of mental, physical or sexual abuse warrant separating a child from her parent.

7. In divorce . . . feuding partners must be ever mindful of resolving conflicts without putting kids in the middle. This requires being objective about your children's needs (and not confusing them with your own) and compromising when the situation warrants.

8. In parent education classes . . . educators should plan courses with more than mom in mind. Researchers have found that men have special needs in parenting: more guidance about connecting with their children and, in some cases, assistance with anger management.

9. In fatherhood programs . . . it's fun to have activities where dads can do things with their children and other men. It's also healthy for men to have a separate forum to connect with other fathers about parenting issues that may be bothering them. Combination events with child care when dads meet without their children can help satisfy these twin needs.

10. In marriage or family partnerships . . . dad's ability to contribute to his children needs support and respect from mom. He may not do everything to mom's specifications, but he deserves encouragement for trying to be involved in his children's lives. Encouraging rather than chastising is an effective way to help fathers "get it right."

Resources to support healthy father-child relationships

The Fathers' Resource Center offers fathers' support groups, parenting classes, family law clinics and anger management courses. Programs are offered at five locations: Loring Park in Minneapolis, Ronald Hubbs Center in St. Paul, Hopkins Family Resource Center in Hopkins, CAP Agency HeadStart in Burnsville and the Family Resource Center in Blaine. Call the central office at (612) 874-1509 or write to 430 Oak Grove St., Suite B3, Minneapolis, MN 55403 for more information.

Dads Make a Difference is a paternity education project sponsored by Minnesota Extension Service and the Minnesota Department of Human Services Child Support Enforcement Division. Older high school teens are trained to teach middle-school-age youth about the importance of fathers in children's lives; the legal, financial and emotional responsibilities of parenting; and the risks youth face in their path to adulthood. The curriculum includes four lessons examining risky behaviors, legal paternity, fathers and their families, and decision making. Call (612) 777-2869 for more information or e-mail ggreenfield@mes.umn.edu

Center for Fathering at Urban Ventures helps "turn fathers' hearts to their children." The center offers programs to help dads recognize their importance to their children and provide necessary resources to help them become responsible parents. Call (612) 822-1628 or write Urban Ventures at 3041 Fourth Ave. S., Minneapolis, MN 55408.

Lao Family Community of Minnesota, Inc. offers a variety of services to Southeast Asian families, including legal assistance, employment and training, youth programs and family counseling. Call (612) 221-0069 or write to 320 University Ave. W., St. Paul, MN 55103.

Father to Father is a national central resource for communities and agencies who wish to expand or enhance existing father support programs, create new opportunities for men to come together to support each other in their roles as father, and to rally businesses, congregations, schools and agencies to focus on the importance of fathers in children's lives. Community starter kits are available for a small fee. Call Michael Brott at (612) 625-8285 or write to him at the Children, Youth & Family Consortium, 12 McNeal Hall, 1985 Buford Ave., St. Paul, MN 55108 for more information.

FatherNet is an online resource to provide the latest information on the role and importance of fathers in the lives of children. It was created to continue the discussion begun at Family Re-Union III, a national conference on family policy moderated by Vice President Al Gore in July 1994. FatherNet includes conference proceedings and recaps of other conferences on fatherhood, research, policy and opinion documents about the social, economic and policy factors that support and hinder men's involvement in family life and an electronic discussion group (Father-L) to increase the number and diversity of voices participating in this conversation. FatherNet includes links to other resources for fathers on the World Wide Web. Contact Lori Bock at the Children, Youth & Family Consortium by calling her at (612) 625-7251 or email her at cyfcec@maroon.tc.umn.edu for additional information. You can visit FatherNet on-line at www.cyfc.umn.edu/FatherNet.htp

Early Childhood Family Education (ECFE) offers special classes for dads of children ages birth to kindergarten at four locations in the metro area: Brookside, Longfellow, Sabathani and Victory. Dads, step-dads and other father figures have a chance to spend time with children and time with other men discussing job and family issues. Call your local school district or ECFE at (612) 627-2927.